Every little step I take... Click HERE

(Listen to this song if you want an ear worm. I added this thanks to Shylah)

And don't forget to click the 'Follow me' button! I'd like to go straight to your morning email if you wouldn't mind some more errata...



Monday, July 4, 2011

FeEl ThE LoVe - A rare poem

 

My poem looks like half a bottle if you use your imagination.



The ancestors dance

lazy circles in midair

optimizing spirals of dizzying smallness.



Two cats lounge on railings
contentment personified

as birds sing from the trees to taunt

and entertain.



Chef Lynn on Restaurant Makeover...

Oh my.

What a hot broad.

Oh yeah, my poem...

Lazy ancestors triangulate

as the Esquimalt sun sets

and another big fucking cruise ship

moves in.



Not a cloud in the sky.




Toasting my hardworking hubby
who is far away for a longish time,

with wine he made us

with his own two hands.

Like the blood of someone else



I sip the blackberry luxury

and feel the love.

Sending some of the love to Haiti,
To New Jersey, to the interior...

Toxic Sweets ~ What we are seduced to use on a daily basis.

Many things are the bane of our existence, these days. HFCS is a blanket term for a kind of chemical process that leads foods to be sweet but can consist of many differing degrees of mystery chemicals that have druglike effects on our system, especially when combined with other medication we may already be on, or sensitivities that already exist before exposure to HFCS. Mystery chemicals combine to cause interesting reactions as they stockpile TOXIC consequences for human bodies over years of repeated exposure. Consequences such as tendon fragility, obesity, diabetes, loss of cognitive ability.



Why is it the responsibility of the consumer to become a scientist versed in the cause/effect of chemical/human biology when they are just trying to feed themselves?

If this isn't more reason to seek out local growers and farmer's markets and to stay out of supermarkets, I don't know what is.

Combine how this erosion of your immune system and vitality combines with the erosion provided by our exposure to plastics off-gassing pthalates all around us, and you begin to get a grim picture of what's happening to the world around us.

Pthalates also mimic estrogens, confusing your system with mixed messages. There are connections being made about the affect on unborn male children, that they are being born with smaller reproductive organs. This stuff is being flushed out of our bodies and into our waterways and that is affecting the fish, lots are dying, salmon don't return, and there are reports about how some breeds of fish are feminizing, or having less and less male offspring as well as male fish with smaller reproductive organs, also.

We wear plastic Holey soles sandals on our bare feet. We sit in our hot cars with the plastics offgassing all around us as we clutch a plastic steering wheel. We buy our food in plastic bags that start to disintegrate in our stressed palms as we struggle with the weight of food in it, food wrapped in plastic. We shower behind plastic curtains and the hot water steams up out of plastic tubing into a plastic showerhead that infuses the off gassing particulates in the steam, that hovers in the area of our heads. Then we use plastic shampoo and conditioner bottles that contain ingredients we can't read or understand to wash our hair. Some of those chemicals are as harmful as the pthalates and chemicals in HFCS, but combined with both the pthalates and HFCS toxins, its now a chemical stew that will be dancing with whatever medication you're on.

Years back, when I wrote a paper on the sociological aspects of Ergot, a fungus that caused mass hallucinations in Europe in the middle ages, wreaking havoc on the below stairs serfdom, I saw a phenomena that parallels this one I am writing about today. Here we have a whole culture of people, who are at the mercy of chemical megogiant corporations with their every breath. Who contributes to it, why it is allowed to continue in unspoken silence, why no one shines a light on the elephant in the room boggles my mind.

Like the poor and unfortunate in the Middle Ages in Europe, who were unwittingly at the mercy of a series of events that combined and ensured that the entire population was sent raving out of their minds with every mouthful of bread they consumed, our population today lines up like Zombies in the aisles of Walmart, Zellers, etc, with our baskets full of that which contributes to our failing health. Wether you are buying cleaning or body products scented with parfum/fragrance, snack and refined food products that contain any 'ose's' or HFCS, or using products made from softened plastic that are going to be subjected to extremes of heat and / or petroleum products such as oil from food, these are all part of the elephant no one is talking about.

Don't you think its about time we start talking amongst ourselves and rather than being 'crisis oriented' as in 'The sky is falling', which soon falls on deaf ears, to be 'solution based', and see the glass as half full? How can we do that but by sharing with loved ones this information? It's a small difference, but its better than apathy.

Spiritually, why does our Creator allow this travesty to occur behind the scenes? Why are we held almost immediately accountable for any small infraction of our integrity, yet these megolith consortium of chemical giant industry have nothing holding it back? How come I as an individual must own up to my every responsibility, yet these bazillion dollar ventures are blasting their way into wealth at our expense without consequence? Are they using plastic, hfcs, pthalates themselves?
I've gone from being angry when I go shopping, to being consolational. By that I mean, one glance into a cart and I can tell what is going on in that person's biology and what their immune systems are struggling with. It makes me compassionate that, like the poor with their ergot ridden bread, this person is trying to do their best without the education or facts that would protect them from making these choices.

Sometimes, I'll say something if they look like they might be receptive. Most cashiers have never heard of HFCS, and most customers I've spoken to don't know that parfum/fragrance is a stew of 400+ chemicals to carry scent artificially.

So I keep hammering at this nail, hoping that it touches someone new and someone else starts to go through the process of elimination both on the physical as well as other levels of mourning and loss. Mourning and loss because as children we consumed treats/recieved gifts innocently. We didn't have to worry about what was in it or what it was made from.

There is a resentment attached to going grocery shopping on the merit that you're fortunate enough to even have money to spend on groceries, but now you have to look at the overall supermarket, suss out if they are laid out ethically, which means has their cleaning supplies far away from food stuffs, especially baby or pet foods. Resentment attached to shopping taking hours when it took minutes before one had to read and understand complex ingredient labelling.

I might mention that organic bananas are comparative in price but have a huge difference in exceptional taste versus pulp and from a nutritional standpoint as well, for instance, speaking to the person from a peer to peer standpoint, speaking 'up' to their intellect, rather than down my nose at the poor ignorant sap. Less resistance and more acceptance when approaches are honouring.

There is a zen to acceptance, but I think that I will pass on 'accepting' the status quo. It didn't work when my ancestors were buying their daily bread, and it don't work for me now. I will say something about what we are up against, every platform of opportunity I get. I invite you to do the same. Collect a few articles that are easy to read to shoot to folks who seem interested or receptive in your sphere of associations, we can use social media for our benefit to widen our friend's and loved one's knowledge.
On to the zen of doing something about it, even if all it is, is my whiny blog. Because I love you. Period.

Get the book 'Slow Death by Rubber Duck' if you want to learn more from an enjoyable and easy read.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Tum Chronicles... pondering my navel as it were. Weight or selflove...

Looking at my tummy, I am remembering that it used to create lips and eyebrows, fingers and spinal colums, brains and hearts. I am realizing that it used to house life. That the soft pulse of my veins kept my offspring feeling warm, alive and safe in there. It used to bulge to the size it is now because it had life burgeoning in it, eager to be born, definite in the eventuality that a birth was to occur. It housed and created three human beings.



I am realizing with the changes in my life, that I have moved myself into that warm, alive, safe space and that I am having a 'startover', a rebirth of myself. It is the same size as when I harboured life in there, but now I am the life in that space. I think that by working at CEDRIC and learning that I am not dealing with an eating disorder but a series of unfortunate circumstances, has led me to understanding better about once again having the tummy I used to have, back twenty years ago, when I used to carry my babies, prior to their birth. This tummy today, which has increased in size since the birth of my final baby, Grace, is now at maximum capacity for me. It has been creeping up in size and girth in spite of my lame efforts at eating wisely and trying to keep moving enough to avoid it. I've been dealt blows and benefits that have combined to affect my physiology because eating well and menopause, combined with knee / leg injuries have rendered me a much larger woman than I intended to be, or am comfortable with and that is what I am addressing now.



At 6 feet tall, my water weight has fluctuated 30lbs at any given day. Once I started exhibiting the swelling legs and ankles of edema in my 40's, I knew that I was going to have problems if I didn't get a handle on it. Root compounds from my chinese medicine doctor helped, but I stopped looking at scales as a result, because they could rarely depict an accurate representation of the state of my health. This caused me to subtly put on weight, for the fat to creep on a little at a time while I tried to get my feet under me. Its so disconcerting now that scales don't even go high enough to tell me what I weigh.


I look down at this tummy and think how I can get out of the shell of protection that I have wrapped around myself and realize that it is almost time for my own rebirth, for my own eventual inevitability that I will become chrysalis and butterfly in the imminent future. Enter hesitation and anxiety at losing the safe little nook I've tucked myself away in. I counter with the thoughts of new friends who don't let me withdraw. I remember yesterday when I tried to leave early from a monthly craft luncheon with a group of new girlfriends and got told to sit right down, there's no escaping, you're one of us now... lol


So now, as I sit in my solituded, tv on in the background with an episode of 'Hoarders', of all things, and I realize that like the people on the show, I'm hoarding my self, inside myself.

This brings me to the next question, and I'm wondering if I wait till the birth decides itself when it's ready, or if I take it upon myself to birth me at a time of my own choosing.

And I guess that why I am writing this, in wondering if there are any ideas or insights that my wonderful friends and family who read this note, can share with me.



I have two months in which to initiate changes that both honour me and create the steps I need to let go and let Goddess, to break out of this shell of comforting pudge and confront the things that have been holding me back, while my better half is out of town on a teaching course, clear across the continent. Shall I strike while the iron is hot?

I have had medical tests that reassure me that I am not diabetic, don't have heart issues, no cancers, no debilitating diseases. What I can do anything about, I will. There is a trauma specialist who is going to consider the pros and cons of my harbouring sharp shrapnel against my carotid artery, when I can finally get an appointment, at the end of a great long waiting list. Same with the orthopedic surgeon who will decide what my knees need. I feel caught in a conundrum. I can't get breast reduction surgery or have my knees fixed until I lose about 150 lbs, I can't lose 150 lbs very easily if I can't do any weight bearing exercise that involves my knees.


The bright light in all of this, besides that in spite of being morbidly obese, i am healthy. I was told by the doc's locum that my ACL was not torn completely and has since healed, but are showing stress because of having to carry my weight. Hopefully I will be able to get a handle on my weight now that I'm taking thyroid synthetic meds, She also said that I will likely feel my metabolism speed up and will notice that weight loss comes easier to me now. :)

So, do I take the proverbial bull by the horns and initiate my own rebirth, radically changing my habits and coping strategies, or do I approach it organically and let time take its course, so that I come to end of packing it on and turn it around simply by becoming more involved in the world, in getting more things done, in being more active... just asking...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Disintegrating Humanity -Plastic pthalate dispersal increases as built in obscellescence kicks in

I was posting to a friend's Facebook status this morning. She had put up a video of a home in South America made almost totally from recycled plastic bottles. It brought to mind a huge event facility I saw that had been constructed in China as the outcome of a recycling contest among architects. What both buildings failed to recognize was that the bottles were exposed to daily sunshine, the very thing that causes the built in wear out date to speed up, the very thing that makes the bottles leech particulates that include some very harsh toxins. Pthalates are renowned to have the ability to fool the human physiology to thinking that its being inundated with female hormones. This is causing a lot of problems in sterility around the world, and although I don't have any peer reviewed articles to refer you to to promote my claims, I encourage you to do your own homework on pthalates to learn as much as you possibly can about the world we live in these days.



Pthalates are contributing to women's issues from cervical cancer to menopausal symptoms, they are feminizing fetuses in the womb, causing boys to have a smaller testicular region, and decreasing sperm production. That's just what I remember from off the top of my head from what I've been learning about it via my research.

People are eager to change their lives and many have thought that by recycling plastic items, they are doing the right thing. Keeping waste out of the landfills is a good idea, but not if keeping them around and breathing their decay is detrimental to our overal health. Some strip grocery bags and then crochet this 'plarn' into shopping bags. A nice idea, and one my Auntie Nora used to do for decades, being an early free thinker and practical prairie woman. But what she died of could have had a lot to do with her constant handling of plastic as she sat day after day making her pretty shopping bags out of bread and grocery bags.



Plastic shopping bags can be filled with a lot of weight and then are carried fair distances. Palms are sweating and straining to deal with the weight, pores are wide open as the disintegrating plastic leeches pthalates through its oily particulate residue that is ingested immediately into the bloodstream through the sweat glands.

Same goes for holey soles and other knock off brands of the rubberized plastic sandals. You wear them barefoot, you sweat in them with all your weight on them, straining the plastic, ingesting that same toxin bearing oil that emits from the disintegrating plastic under your feet as your hands do from the shopping bag made from recycled plastic. If reflexology is the technique of helping rebalance the body through related regions of the feet, what is wearing hot holey soles on a steamy summer day doing through those same feet doing to your system?



How about your shower curtain? You are likely thinking a plastic shower curtain cheers up the bathroom and protects it. But what happens in a shower. Heat and steam. How are you protected from particulates that are carried by the heat and steam when you are naked with all pores wide open? Where is your nose in that heat and steam. By the ceiling. Where the the most of the steam carries the particulates.

Like I said, we don't think these things through.



Even in the case of sex toys. The stuff that makes plastic pliable is the toxic stuff that creates pthalate exposure in our bodies. Even porn is no longer any fun to watch as I now only see young women acting like breeders who wouldn't likely be doing it if they had any other self respecting way to get money, having softened plastic in the form of dildos thundered in and out of them, and where? Why, where they plan on having their new life emerge from someday...  which carries me to the use of disposable menstrual gear, all of which is plastic and chemicals...

So... how are you going to focus on your home now that you see plastic in a different light?



Dea said that when they build their plastic greenhouse using bottles that they will be enclosing it in portland cement to keep the narsties away, with ventilation holes in safe places... What will you do?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Road Map to Password Success


Budeweit Successive Passwords

I have been thinking about this since the early days of the internet and have thusly developed a pattern of passwords that follow a consistent series of small changes to the original password. In the case of something happening to me and people needing to access my passwords, this is my system I’ve kept to in order to facilitate others accessing my internet destinations.

Here is an example of the first password for internet access fields.

 ‘heroic’

When something happens that requires us to change our passwords, I follow this pattern. The next change I do is add a number that is significant to my life. So ‘heroic’ becomes ‘heroic11’.

 ‘heroic11’

The next change is to capitalize the first letter ‘Heroic’.

 ‘Heroic’

The fourth change alters the number at the end to using the punctuation that is the alternate setting for the number keys. Thus, ‘Heroic’ becomes ‘Heroic!!’ .

‘Heroic!!

Thinking about the 5th option that will optimistically be required, I will start using the number 0- 10 series of numbers at the beginning of the current password. ‘Heroic!!’ becomes ‘0Heroic!!’   develop your own series of password alterations.

‘0Heroic!!’

I find that having a lot of random passwords in a lot of random places is as futile as trying to keep all your passwords in a central place. Inevitably, you come to need your password when you are nowhere near the resource that is keeping track of it. If you have a process that you stick to like this, you know that there are 4 options to follow and the access to whatever you’re doing is going to be one of them.

Sometimes time is a clue too.  Ask yourself how long you’ve been using that particular site, as sites you are accessing that have a longer history with you are likely to be requiring one of the subsequent options.
I am going to tuck a hard copy of this somewhere to keep with my will so that in the case of my death, there will be a way for those who come to help finish my loose ends to access necessary sites.

Tina's System Pattern for Passwords

1) heroic
2) Heroic
3) Heroic11
4) Heroic!!
5) 0Heroic!!

Use the Budeweit Successive Password system as a way to develop your own series of password alterations. Keep a hard copy with your will/insurance/important paperwork for next of kin and business partners. Call it 'Tina's Password System' if that's easier for you. Or just forget what it's called and let the system keep your life simple. It's in keeping with the KIS principle. 

(Keep It Simple)

Tina Budeweit Copyrightfree 2011

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

How to handle the current inundation of disaster information

You open your facebook, newspaper, webpage and are met with new cataclysms at every turn. Between the ongoing threats of nuclear winter, financial ruin, planetary destruction and dishonest fearmongering political schemes and scandals, its hard to keep our sunny sides up these days. A lot of us opt out by assuming the ostrich method of coping, which is to turn off their tvs and computers but what if you are like me and wish to stay in the loop without letting it get to you?

A few friends on my fb have lately been inundating the news feed with posts that reflect hideous atrocities that are occuring all over the world. I know that I have been guilty of sharing vicious injustice information as well, and I'm beginning to realize that this is counter to my own core beliefs. As a result, today I have decided that if I am not a part of the problem, then let me be a part of the solution. Instead of promoting fear and adding to the huge amount of fearmongering that is happening out in the world of commercial media and news by just posting tragic information, I have made a deal with myself that every bit of negative information I share from now on, must be framed differently.

As a follower of 'Non violent communication' (start HERE if  you would like to know more about NVC)  I am going to start talking my walk in my Facebook news feed. If there is some information of a negative nature that I want to share, I am going to look at it in a way that is in keeping with my personal philosophy. All through university, I wrote paper after paper from a solution based perspective. I left the problem oriented focus to others and ran with the ball to present information that not only would address what I perceived a problem to be, but also accompanied this information with some positive options for how to manage the information or how to make a change in our lives or world that helped to counter the problem in some way. This walking my talk is also positive role modelling for those who may not have had the same good fortune to have learned about affirmative processes like 'Non violent communication'.

Why aren't I talking that walk in my FB? Well, frankly, I tend to be unedited in my FB and I'm half asleep before my morning wake up coffee when I post and share, and these tend to be kneejerk reactions that simply put alerts and bulletins out there for my friends to see.

Today, all that starts to change. I intend to accompany whatever I post with as much of the facts as I can summon from trusted sources to counter the right wing rhetoric, and then I also promise to bring up whatever positive solutions that I can offer regarding helping us cope with the magnitude of the problem, or how to deal with being constantly exposed to these fear based news flashes that drain our psychic energy without our knowledge and certainly without our permission.

I was inspired by a posting from a friend about the radioactive rain in Japan these days and it was like a straw on the camel's back that turned on a light bulb in my mind. Why am I just sharing this disastrous information without taking the time to offer some coping skills if I have them?

My spirituality is 360. I worship life in it's universal entirety. The bad/dark is as sacred as the light/good and we have no way of wrapping our little temporary mortal brains around the motives of something that has an enormous, eternal intellect and agenda. Let me be a cog in the wheel that helps that agenda in as loving, nurturing and least invasive way as I can. I can't just love the light and banish the dark as without the dark as contrast, then light would not exist either.

That's not to say that I don't mourn the losses of Japan and indirectly, our sustainably strained planet, because I do, but on my terms and in my own time. I mourn the loss of our soldiers, I mourn the tragedies in the fuel racket that kill and displace millions in our greedy search for more and cheaper fuel. But I choose to do it when I know my own strengths are emotionally able to withstand and counter  the information, not at dinner time with a plate in front of me between a tv screen and my heart, so that I'm eating disaster with my supper.

In so saying, this article is setting out to provide you with insights and perhaps, a new skill that will help you find some sort of peace or balance in the midst of all the chaos around us.

When you are inundated with the horrors of the world, have a prayer handy so that you can address the problem, give yourself a precious set amount of time to think /pray about it, or to help disseminate truthful information in the face of lies, and then agree with yourself to switch 'off'' the focus from the vague 'out there' to the 'immediate NOW' there where you are. Take back the focus and place it deliberately where you want it. You've done what you can, you have sent positive energy where it is needed and now you can return to your regularily scheduled programming, your own precious life.

Light a candle, set aside some quiet time when you feel strong enough and warrant the shedding of tears for the injustice/unfairness that you are witnessing, but set time so that you will have a parameter in which to operate so that when that time is up, you can refocus to your own concerns of a more immediate nature.

What is a prayer that you use to give yourself strength during the hard times? Here's a little video of my power song, a little ditty I wrote during my shamanic initiation that is one example of what one can use to restore personal energy when one has noticed its being leached off by circumstances beyond our control. Please share in our comments what provides you with a quick shot of strength, backbone, grounding or any other techniques that you might have to facilitate our staying clear in the midst of the muddle.

Remember, this isn't professional video, this is me on my couch, done in one take, no editing. So don't expect polished. Expect raw. Credit goes to Deanna Knight for the words, which I may have taken some liberty with, considering my memory being more of a swiss cheese consistency these years.

I'm not sharing my melodious (not)singing voice to garner acceptance or kudos, lord knows, if that was the case there would have been production values and I would have taken the time to comb my hair and get out of my housedress... LOL... but its an example of a grounding exercise that can help when we are inundated with negativity that serves to psychically drain us of the energy we need to keep on keepin on.

CLICK HERE for example A of how not to go viral on Youtube. :P

Friday, March 18, 2011

Does anyone do endings well? Snaky brain bits digging up stuff in the SuperMoon, you too?

This is an odd time for me. Very retrospective and no rose coloured glasses allowed. Instead of my usual sunny, make lemonade, make it work self, I've spent the better part of some very solitary days doing some very serious soul searching. Is everyone humbling and responding to the events across the Pacific in other profound ways or am I just the only one noticing that I have a lot of work to do when it comes to my personal evolution as a person.

For some reason, I have dwelled for the past few days on the true worth I represent to myself and others, my core beliefs, and my favourite, 'why I end things badly'.

That leads me to ponder the various things that ended and how I was responsible for it somehow, and what I need to do to rectify the situation. Soul searching, I tell you. Even though the air is clean, the trees have pink blossoms bursting forth and there is enough to eat, I can't seem to be satisfied with what I usually believe is truly important, and some niggling little part of my snaky little brain keeps pulling up this dust bunny of my existence, picking off the crusties and waving it in front of me until I give in and follow the bait by allowing myself to rehash what happened that led to things ended.

I know, upon articling upon the ponder here, that I don't always end things badly by accident but sometimes I end things badly on purpose, and sometimes, things just peter out and I don't pick up the gauntlet to stay in touch, but it doesn't mean that I am not an inherently good person who 100% means well. Is anyone ever out to end things badly? Isn't it difficult to not say harsh things in times of frustration and fear when grace evades us? Do we cast each other out of our lives for single, minor things out of some sense of dignity or finality? Isn't all or nothing thinking a sign that we are out of sync?

Soul searching. The endings with my two closest friends broke a trust that I have not been able to recover from and lead me to more than a little doubt about anything I used to hold sacred as being with me forever. It was a huge lesson. I am fragiler because of it. Why they both chose to do it, and then the coincidence of them choosing the same week, separate from and unbeknownst to the other, to cut all ties with me, the week of my birthday at that, made it even deeper an incision that keeps opening whenever I feel threatened. And lately, I've felt threatened a lot with the things my partner and I have been going through in our relationship. I feel like I have to leave just to prove my worth since I'm not able to fulfill the agenda of the right wing parties involved in the relationship. In feeling like I must leave, I feel at sea, like those orphan feelings I had at 15 when I was on the streets looking up at the bedroom lights of cozy homes flicking off and me out in the cold, rainy night without a single soul.

Soul searching as the moon's piercing gaze penetrates me to my core with its reflective glimmers that leave moonbeams trickling along my spine from the intensity of the consequences of what rehashing, refearing, re-experiencing all those trying times has done to unseat me, unground me.

Ungrounded times are not good times for endings, even though, there is a saying that there is never a good time. This could be the metamorphosis of something new, shinier, more resilient and with greater gifts emerging. 

So... this little niggling snaky bit of brain scurries down into its depths again to return with another bleeding and squirming, hairy little repulsive chunk of memory that wants to help convince me I'm worthless.

Thank heavens that I haven't lost my mind and know that that people change, I'm not responsible for the changes of others, and what's more, I'm not responsible for the conclusions of others.

So, sometimes I end things badly. So what.

But this Super Moon tomorrow night... is it having its way with me? Perigee means closest to the earth. It doesn't happen often and full moons are pretty influential without being so close that your internal liquids experience high tides in the form of this snaky little brain thingy... I hope that leaves with the SuperMoon tomorrow night. I want my sunshiny creativity back and I haven't seen hide nor hair of it since the arrival of 'Skuttlekins'