Out of the Belly of the Misogynist Beast

(Back story: TW:  The author survived a robbery in 1980. By never dealing with the emotional scars this left, the oversight has compounded until, over three decades later, she was flooded with anxiety, in almost constant pain or discomfort. Compensating for blood vessel damage, there is a drum in her head that accompanies her every waking minute igniting episodes that she experiences on TOP of daily anxiety attacks that mimic heart attacks, weakness spells, joint stiffness, body dysmorphia, varying levels of capacity in a day, fogmindedness and depression. Before the C-PTSD diagnosis, you can imagine this could cause quite a smokescreen to have to function within to be able to have any kind of normal life.

Prior to discovering there was a name for all she experienced that put obstacles endlessly in her path, she raised children to adults, acquired a women's studies and indigenous studies degree, married and divorced. The exit from the betrayed marriage destroyed what was left of her safety, and a year of homelessness became a downward spiral of pain, panic, disaster, suicidal thought and  hopelessness. Amazingly, she pulled herself out of that tailspin, found a physician who could diagnose what had been wrong with her all along, and she could get on with educating herself, and emerging into a new life, blinders and obstacles removed, she could start to share her stories to shed light on issues for those who like her, had been voiceless.
 
Free at Last

The astonishing revelations with a counselor couched in PTSD and my world finally feels like it's turned around. The information I have gleaned about my physiology has given me the missing puzzle pieces for many things.

I have been looking at how my past relationships began and how they existed. I have turned the lens on how it might have been different, had I known what I know now about my fragility, about my responses to threats to my safety, about my decision to have children even...

The discovery that I experienced when I began university was one of the saving graces when I was in my blindness about the syndrome that I function within. Because of my finding out that in spite of my internal dialogue constantly running a vicious commentary behind the scenes, behind my eyes, of putting me down and making me feel less than, I could now see with my own two eyes that I was high functioning with a capacity for intellect that astonished me. I discovered that there was a body of work, a feminist sociological body of work, that addressed this beast that was my world, the patriarchal culture I was at the mercy of, and that information became a pool I swam in, voluntarily, on a daily basis... and when I wasn't ingesting the philosophies of feminist minds, I was applying the analysis of what I'd read and learned to the world around me.

Little did I know, I was drowning myself in triggers.

I mentioned to N (my therapist) that I was having a difficult time reading without getting nauseous. Other than what I read on my laptop, which oddly, doesn't make me react, every time I pick up something and attempt to focus on the topic it's portraying, my stomach responded with flipflops and a tightening of my throat.

She asked me, 'What are you reading?'

That gave me pause. Why would she ask that? I had been thinking that I needed my eyes checked, never associating it to the big elephant that lives in my room 24/7. I thought about it. I read autobiographies, murder mysteries, feminist discourse and the interwebz. All but the latter have lately made me so ill that I have been putting the book down within minutes of picking it up.

N said 'You have been in the belly of the misogynist beast and now you're out. Why would you immerse yourself in triggers about the beast in your recovery?'

Then she explained that the flood of fight or flight endorphins make my gut go acidic and that causes the immediate nausea as my stomach counters the input of gastric acids. It's not just 'in my head'. Imagine that.

What a way to close a session, huh?

I went home and couldn't get that phrase out of my mind. The belly of the misogynist beast.

I looked at what I do with my beautiful feminist Sistahoodz phenomena, with the bevy of smaller pages that she umbrellas over, and realized that I had missed something in my attempt to create space for the relevant discourses of the healing wise woman and her allies... I realized that what I was missing was a place for the triggering information that is still important, when it is couched in respectful and non-diminishing non-violent language, but it doesn't need to be mixed up with all the empowering and beautiful information that comprises the day to day context of Sistahoodz' page.

I thought about 'The Belly of The Misogynist Beast' as a title for a page to put all the dark that was still valid in and then I looked at what an acronym that created... B.O.M.B. Not a particularily attractive option, considering this coincidentially turned out to be the day that the Boston Marathon was blown to bits... And so... out of the  darkness, Bmb was born...

The feminist Facebook pages that I personally  currently follow who have the word 'feminism' in their names constantly deal with strange, angry male commentors who challenge and bait. I didn't want that to happen to my pages. I had learned how to repel this mentality of miscreant over the years of teaching alternative menstruation so I applied that to avoid attracting that element. By using simple initials, and then informing the Sistahoodz followers that the page was there for them, was good enough for me. Word of mouth will do the rest, letting conscious people share with other good conscious people, and leaving the problem children of the misogynist beastie to their own devices.

Bmb - The belly of the misogynist beast... Truth to Power Over

Starhawk's writings about Power-over of the current western industrial model speak of a Power - with, that is in keeping with permacultural, sustainable, healing, affirmative living that can counter that imposing, wasteful influence. Wherever 'Power Over' information comes my way that is reflective of patriarchy, misogyny or its assorted associations, those postings will find themselves relegated to the Bmb, it's where they belong, a safe space where the karma and vibes are inured and rendered useless, a kryptonite-proof, lead-lined chamber where we can don our gloves, smudge ourselves, get grounded and then enter, to pick up and look at these unfairnesses, inequities and random horrors that comprise the world where women are required to prove their worth and men assume their privilege without having earned it. To turn a feminist lens on the darkness and bring it into light so that those of us who are living in the flood of our constant anxiousness can gain a better understanding on the root of this phenomena of PTSD, especially in relation to how we are women in such a distorted reality.

Feminist PTSD Analysis - Shedding Light on Domestic PTSD

This page brings light to conversations that are solution oriented and relevant to people who are not first responders or military vets yet who have had life traumas enough to qualify for being at the mercy of this life challenging disorder.

For the past 30 years, I have been living in a constant FLOOD of countering fear in my gut. Dread follows me like a bad debt.

Through the years of raising my five kids, I thought that it was just my debts and mother instinct that caused me to experience the sensation of constant trepidation. Now I am learning that I have a physiological response to the sum of all the abuses I have suffered in my life and its taken its toll on me.

Thank heavens, I am out of the belly of the misogynist beast at last.

I have been instructed to read books that don't contain triggers, to identify what triggers me and then to seek to remove that from my world. I should watch movies that don't contribute to the trigger response. Do you know how hard that is? TV is triggering me within 30 seconds of turning it on because of its hard line on murder as normality.

I am realizing that there needs to be a feminist PTSD discourse. We need to couch the language of the beast in our own terms.

But, right now, I am not going to be the one to initiate this. I've been told to step away from that belly for now. I am free. Let others pick up that gauntlet as it is spring in my world. There is a garden to plant and sunny skies to walk under and I am getting the help I need.

No jangling phones, no angry men, no diminishment, nada. Stay out of the trigger zone, my sistas. I got out. When I must deal with authorities who seek to belittle, I will do it with my army of support and not take it personally, putting someone grounded between the affront and my tender, fragile psyche.

I am going to do yoga, meditate, get massage, investigate other modalities that help me centre and ground and counter 33 years of living unaware that I was being an amazingly resilient survivor who didn't have to be coping alone.

The Bmb Facebook page will continue to showcase the hard-to-swallow issues that are relevant, but I don't have to discern their analysis... I'll leave that to the sistas who are not triggered.

I'm out of the belly of the misogynist beast.

Water is sacred, hot plastic is not

The latest phenomena to fascinate me is the ability of water to change molecular structure depending on a variety of factors. Dr. Emoto studies water and has learned that water responds to emotion, anger, flattery, love, the sacred, laughter, tears. His tests show on youtube, that if you freeze water after its exposure to these different things, the crystals will be predictable.  Angry water crystallizes in chaotic weakness without symmetry. Super sacred water has extremely intricate crystalizations that fractal to the infinite.

My first introduction to the changeability of water was in a class called "Land as life" during the aquisition of my BA degree. We explored how human interaction for indigenous cultures interconnected with the sacred, and in that course, we were able to whale watch in high seas, take a trip in a war canoe, experience the honour of a dawn swim in a nearby lake, as well as discovering Dr. Emoto's inspiring research.

The idea of holy water is not new to the traditional western culture's churches, but I wonder if they ever knew that to bless the water, or pray over or into it, or set your intent by choosing how to interact with water, would actually have an effect on the shapes it can take on a molecular level ?

Which leads me to finding a beautiful clear glass jug of fresh water sparkling on the kitchen counter of my new home. My housemate and I were matched by a mutual friend recently because she saw similarities in our values and head space. When I first saw this jug, I remembered Dr. Emoto and I touched its soothing coolness with both hands as if to get a sense of if this water had been prayed over or not. Just for a lark. I knew that my conscientious housemate had understandings about many things. Imagine my delight when her voice came back to me from the other room where she was researching Pakistan, a surprised 'Yes!'

That moment was a key turning point for me. Knowing I had sanctuary where this gentle evolved soul would know that drinking blessed water was  the way to go, let me breath.

So we drink water that is always thanked for being sacred and vital. There is never a time, we don't stop in the refilling of the jug, just to ask the water for permission, to give thanks, to optimize its ability to nourish and rebalance whoever ingests it.

When we were making tea the other evening, I asked my housemate why we were blessing the water if we were boiling it in a plastic kettle. A few years old, it was showing a bit of wear and I was hesistant to use heated old plastic because of the issue of pthalates offgassing from plastics that are heated and cooled repeatedly. Pthalates are nasty things that seek fat/oil to attach to, stockpiling in our bodies, mimicking hornones and confusing our immune systems.

If you take a look around your house, you will see where plastic, old and new, will be heated and exposed to us. Your shower curtain, if it is plastic, gasses you as you stand in the steam. Plastic dishes, cups and bottles, all filled with hot contents, all react similarily. Even your plastic sex toys, hate to tell you.

Hospitals scald plastics every day and put fresh coffee in cups that smell like stale coffee and bleach them within an inch of their little lives. The kettle you boil water in, the coffeemaker's basket where the grounds are kept, these are all culprits for the transference of pthalates from their plastic hosts to our delicate bodies.

The toys that bob in your warm bath when you wash the kiddies, the plastic gel filled teething ring you boiled to protect baby, is now being gummed ferociously by a teething infant. Heat applied to plastics causes it to begin to disintegrate.

So be kind to the water you drink, and look at your life's patterns and see where plastics intersect with it. How can you eliminate exposure to its offgassing?

Wise Wild Woman

Years ago, on Saltspring Island, a trippy little enclave of sanity surrounded by water, I took a 5 year hiatus from chaos and lived a wild woman, wise woman life. I had lovely weekend workshops with amazing and inspirational women who taught me all about the wise woman way of seeking different means than mainstream in which to live my life. Fast forward almost 20 years to a 55 year old woman in distress. I have no children any longer, I am fresh out of a relationship where my spouse's dishonesty broke our love into pieces and I spent a dicey 5 weeks as I sought to get my feet under me.

This is the resolution part of that episode of my life.

Wise Wild Woman

I find myself in that place where I have no responsibilities and no structure. There are no definites these days and my plans are nebulous at best. I have people well intentions and not so much who suggest routines, I anticipate returning to them soon, but for now, I am on the loose.

As an ex-wife, ex-mom, ex-student, I am in that enviable place in my life where magic is afoot and big changes are in the process of occurring. To some, I am sure, I am thought of as being out of control, but for the immediate moment, I am happy just the way things are, and just the way I am.

The wild woman uses her wheels like a rolling support vehicle. It is loaded with all the necessary accoutrements of daily life, and also, camping gear, bedding, assorted snackage that doesn't need refrigeration as well as a full office suite - cell phone, laptop, digital camera and all the supporting cordage and tripodage. Like a Girl Guide, I am prepared for any eventuality I can possibly anticipate and ready to greet it with grace.

This wild woman is NOT a martyr and she does NOT suffer. I have my hair done, keep an immaculate manicure and skin care regimen and dress as well as any woman with a home. Unlike the woman with the home however, I also know where the nearest wifi is, wherever I may drift, where the good public bathrooms are and last but not least, where the best parking spots are for Vancouver Island wild wise women. Scenery is a must, the vaster, the more breathtaking the better.

Parking spots for wild women have intense criteria. They need to either be deep in the shady forest, on the shoulder of a sparsely traveled road, but that has access to wifi for my nefarious wild woman dealings. Or the perfect parking spot should be in a solitary seaside position where no other signs of human life are nearby.

Here, I will write, draw, communicate with supportive allies near and far, rest, read, listen to podcasts or watch tv shows on my netbook. I walk, take photos, videos, upload them, blog, eat, relax, sing, doze and sometimes when it all catches up to me, I sob, I cry, I pray or I scream my bloody head off. Get it out is my motto. Wild women don't need all that angst locked up inside.

The way I look at it is, this wild woman's breeding days are over. I am no longer sought as a sexual liason. Life is way less complicated, especially now that my husband has given up on us and cast me free. I am invisible to our culture now. An old woman who is seemingly purposeless. In the grand scheme of things, I have no assets, no worth, no financial value, hence, I don't have much of a vote with the meagre dollars I do spend.

Let it be known that for this six foot amazon to be invisible is just where I want to be. I am happy to not exist to the powers that be - making a minimum visible means of support and then building my goddesscracy underground.

Who expects a homeless woman to be a societal catalyst?

Works for me.

*Note- Since this was written, I have found a lovely sanctuary that I can function comfortably out of. Goddess bless! I give thanks to my Creator for hearing my cries and dreams and helping me resourceress my way out of the dark and back into a light where life is much more conducive to being my wise, wild woman self.

One Winged Wind - for Debbie Hagan in recovery

You can't get to the beach from here...
But you're still here to see
You're still here to smell it
Still here to me.

Out on the windy water
The single sails wheel
It only takes a single sail
Their bodies to spin and reel.

Leap into the wind
Leap in as you turn.
Life is full of surprises.
Another lesson we've learned.

Another lesson we share.
We can't get to the beach from here
But we can get from here to where
One winged wind will wheel us.

Carry us in its embrace.
As long as the wind carries our prayers
On its wings, we can handle anything
Together, with grace.

You can't get to the beach from here, Debbie,
But you're still here to see.
You're still here to smell it, Alex,
You're still here to me.

Little sister... check this out.

http://www.phoenixtearsplus.com/


I invite anyone who has access to a digital camera, to take a photo of something in flight, and put a prayer on its wings so that the wind can bring your healing energy to Debbie... envision a gold light that pours down over her body, a healing flood of amber, honey gold, brought to her on the wings of love. Take a photo of something on the wind and please send it to me at resourceressbudeweit@gmail.com. I would like to create a caring I-Card that includes all the photos of her prayers.

This url will be sent to her upon her recovery and I hope that all my FB friends take a second to sign the comments in here to wish her well.

Namaste, little sister.

The Saga of Christina – Finding Herself - Finding Family

Episode 15 and a half – Finding out Dan is a fine man

The current mindset of the writer is verging on morose. Blindsided by a disloyal husband, when I swore for decades I’d never marry, yet was stupid enough to over ride that bit of wisdom to immediately be kicked in the teeth for it, within weeks of the override. However, having been given my walking papers, I am now wild and free, on the street, after calling him on his dishonesty backfired and instead of begging for forgiveness, the unfortunate soul told me to get the hell out.

With 40+ years of Army under his belt and all the resultant Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome on top of it, he is due to retire out. The counselor at the Military Family Resource Centre (MFRC) told me its common for the ‘member’ to act irrationally, even become dangerous. Well, my husband is as irrational as they come now, and I’ve been told that since he returned from 2 months away on assignment elsewhere, on Sunday, I should steer clear of him and find other places to stay until calmer heads prevail.

So, since I’m the one that is feeling like I’ve just had open heart surgery as an outpatient, I am honouring myself while I wait for him to clear out for a few days so I can pack, by spending  time with the people in my life who are important to me. Since I am being informed that I am losing my vehicle as well, I am making the most of my time as a set adrift soul by travelling between the homes of my various children and friends who need me themselves, or who are there for me.

The first night, I was caught in a huge traffic jam for hours and wound up driving past an accident scene where folks were having a worse day than I. And between leaving for the highway and arriving at my destination, my hostess informed me that her beloved dog, Serena, had a stroke and had to be put down before I got there. Did we ever need each other to get through that night!

The second night, was spent on Saltspring, where a loving daughter held me as I cried and who bolstered me with promises of help, of a place to stay to get through the next day. Grace reassured me, talked me down off the mountaintop of doom and gloom as that was all I could feel, my sails ripped from my masts, my hull smashed out from under me. She reminded me that I’d been trying to lose weight and that I’d lost a good 198 lbs.

The third night was spent in the company of Avona and her sister Lynda, a single mom with two cute and cantankerous little boys. It was so lovely to be able to stay on the couch and hear the sounds of a normal little family in their mundane day to day routines. I got lots of hugs, spent some one on one time with Avona, getting more and more grounded by the hug, and the next day, started the decision of where to go by sunset.

At the risk of being fragile to a son who doesn't understand what his mom is up against, I bit the bullet and headed up to Qualicum Bay to spend a day with my son, Dan. I didn’t know what to expect, but Grace had said that she and Dan had been talking about me and he was looking forward to seeing me up his way for a visit. With Mr. WronG bowing out, he had become the androcentric male of the family and I wanted time with him, in spite of the risk of being misunderstood or having my feelings tramped upon, as he had been famous for, in years previous as he was growing up.

 When I got there we texted a bit about how to get to a local rock quarry where there is no traffic and I was pretty safe to camp. He wasn’t able to have a house guest because he was couch surfing up there himself, staying with his best friend while there was some animal sitting for him to do so the next best thing was to help me set up a camp nearby. I was hesitant and slightly fearful. The quarry was vast and multilayered and overgrown. In my sad shape, I felt all the fear and anguish I’d ever felt as a 13 year old girl, thrown out on the street by her insane mother all over again, so disappointed in myself that at 54, I was in no better shape, but out on the street again, looking at houses where people had beds they knew they were getting to in a little while.  I cried my heart out with Dan . He’d ridden out from the house nearby on his dirtbike and brought along a beautiful spaghetti dinner and a bag with some cherries and a golden kiwi. Then he said something that just made me cry all over again, but this time out of appreciation of the love of my son. He said ‘Mom, I’ll set up your tent and air mattress for you. We’ll park the Ford this way and put the tent over there and between the ditch and the gully you’ll be safely hemmed in with the fire on the other side. Then after he set up the tent, he rounded up round firestones, made a lovely small fire and bushwacked to find more wood, using the light of his Iphone.

The thing that really got me though, when he said that he would help me get set up was ‘Mom, I’ll stay with you as long as you want, and I won’t leave until you fall asleep, and I’ll go to the house and set the alarm and bring you coffee at 7:00 in the morning.’

And he did. We had a beautiful fire. I sat on the minibike like a queen as he built the fire up over and over and we talked. He set up his ipod with nice music and we watched the fire and he helped me ground, helped me process, helped me grieve. I could have written my intentions on a slip of paper and set it ablaze, but there are other fires where I can attend to the necessary healing rituals to move me past this, as is the way of my people. But this time, I was just happy to be alone in that cleared out, overgrown rock quarry, with my 25 year old beautiful, loving son. Finally, I told him I was exhausted. Hadn't slept much in days, spending most of the night staring at dark ceilings looking for some sign of light. Dan then crawled into the tent, just like old times, and asked for a back scratch, just like old times, and I did just like old times. After a while, we talked some more and then I told him it was okay for him to go. He slipped out of the tent, zipped me in, and walked the minibike up the hill so that he wasn’t too noisy leaving. When did my holy terror become so thoughtful? Then in a little while, my cell phone buzzed from under my pillow, a text had arrived. “Made it home safe, Mom. Love you.”

Today, we had breakfast, I took him to a job interview and we had some sushi for lunch. We went dutch and it was the first meal I’d eaten since Thursday’s disastrous news killed my appetite. We went back to where he is staying and he fixed the duct tape on the roof, filled my water bottles and stocked me up with ice. As I sat there, wondering where I would go tonight, he said ‘Why don’t you go to see Grace again?’ to which I replied, ‘Because I don’t want to spend another $42.” And he handed me $20, saying “Now you only need $22.”

I can’t help feeling like this is the gift that is coming out of this spiritual experience that is pushing all my buttons of worthlessness and abandonment. I have splendid, healthy, capable adults for children who love me. I also can’t help but feel that somewhere in the twisted recesses of the mind of a man who claimed he loved me one day, and didn’t the next, there is a soupcon of jealousy motivating his resentment, because now that he’s shot himself in the foot and run off the only person who knows him better than anyone, he doesn’t have this kind of genuine, unconditional love in his life at all.

“Mom, I’ll stay here with you until you fall asleep. And I’ll even bring you coffee the way you like it in the morning.”

I may be homeless and feeling lost, but if I continue to take things day by day, I know I will wade through  this mire of unknowns and I will emerge on the other side with an intact self esteem, and dare I say, be even better, even more independent, than I have ever been before.

If only I hadn’t gotten that job and hadn’t discovered that stuff on WronG’s laptop, I know now, I wouldn’t be so proud of my children and friends.

Silver linings… bathing me in their golden light. I am healing.

I hope, in my heart of hearts, that the catalyst to all this does serious healing too.

I Don't Know About You, But For Me I am Exiting the Betrayal Grounds

Nights consist of three hour patches of staring at a dark ceiling trying to find the bright side of life

This is where I thought I had a home.

Days trying to maneuvre in a morras of blindsided betrayal that has torn my time / space continuum asunder

How do I manage to get into these situations that have me so helpless and powerless?

Pink skin ring, I sunburned the patch where the ring used to be.

One of these days, I will be on the other side of this and things will be good again.

I have to believe that for both of our sakes.

But I will be on my own way.

I never saw it coming.

They say the wife is the last to know...

Honesty we said, we agreed, in the early days of establishing each other's core values... honesty
like porcelain. it can be mended if broken, but can never be whole again. Trust is everything.

Now we have nothing

with one deal breaker decision

or maybe more

I don't ask for details because I don't want to know.

Don't make me out to be the crazy

one.

I'm trying to keep both our dignities intact.

And exit the betrayal grounds

with Grace.

My Queen of the Sun Story - Awakening chakras and inviting awareness

The means to achieving awareness, empowering your divine organs, the chakras, to awaken and engage.

"The six petaled flower of life

1)      Positivity. All your thoughts and actions must become positive. You must be able to see the good element in everything. Always there is something beautiful to be found. When negativity is transcended, your world is transformed, becoming lovely, joyous, almost heavenly. Seek ever the good, the beautiful, the true.

2)      Concentration. Control of thought. Our thoughts must not occur in a random, haphazard manner. We must guide the flow of our thinking, and thus also our feelings. We must master our minds, subduing elements that arise without our permission, thereby training our powers of thought.

3)      Control of action. Guidance of will. We must develop strength, tenacity, and endurance in our will-life. When we make a resolve to do something, we must carry it through without fail, as long as it is an honourable, worthy intention. Be not a leaf in the wind. Obey your inner commands. Always remember, repetition of specific actions strengthens the will.

4)      Inner tranquility. This is the serenity of spirit. Equanimity in the life of feelings. Nothing must for long throw you off balance or shatter your poise. Going with the flow.

5)      Be open-minded and tolerant of other viewpoints. Careful attentive listening and the withholding of snap judgments. You must be willing to listen to any and learn from all, even the most humble. This attitude of open-mindedness does wonders for expanding and illumining the inner life, stimulating the growth of the light in the soul.

6)      Develop a profound gratitude for life and the gifts and opportunities that each moment brings. Life itself is a gift made possible by the deeds of innumerable beings. The natural kingdoms provide us with a bounty of beauty. The earth and the heavens are a vast treasure house. One’s heart should beat in thankfulness to the all of life. This state of constant gratitude exalts the soul, creating happiness and lifts one into the celestial regions.

These activities must be integrated and practiced together, without undue exertion on our part. Of course, this takes time. And they must be linked together by one essential, unifying virtue, which may be visualized as a pink rose in the centre of your heart – the practice of loving kindness. When kindness characterizes your approach to life, and when the qualities become second nature, done without effort, a striking metamorphosis will take place in the soul.

The petals of the subtle, spiritual organs, the chakras, become pliant and alive and begin to gently revolve. Inner perception, both seeing and hearing, quietly unfolds. You are born into the higher planes of life, possessing direct vision of the heavenly spheres. Angels rejoice, for the world gains a conscious seer, a clairvoyant, an initiate of life.

This is the way and the goal. It is the path of inner/outer freedom. Your inner life becomes one of quiet attention and heavenly contemplation. Your outer activity becomes a source of helpfulness and blessing to all. Thus you kindle the fires of your spirit and illumine the inner regions of your soul. You will then radiate strength and light, becoming a beacon in the darkness of the world. " *( link to source at end of article.)

I have been a beacon in the world for many years. In the 80's - 90's, when I ran Moonwit (Meeting Our Own Needs With Imagination & Tenacity) we were a beacon in the darkness, a candle lit to attract weary women so that we could provide them with holistic solutions to the challenges they were physically experiencing in a world where Patriarchal influence diminishes the very act of peopling the planet.

 This is the story of how all this has affected me, especially after reading the book that this quote is from.

I am reading ‘Queen of the Sun’ by E.J. Michael. It is like ‘Mutant Message Down Under’ and ‘The Celestine Prophecy’, and not unlike the experiential books by Lynne V. Andrews. You can’t read it without feeling your evolution hasten. These 6 points to becoming more aware really resonated with me and I had to document them so I can easily pull them up and refresh my memory as to what I need to do or what I need to remind myself I’m not doing.

As a sentient, conscious and sustainably minded person, I have been on a shamanic path for the past 40+ years, ever since I discovered that the gift of reading (which I learned INSTANTLY upon finding out what those strange characters meant in Grade 1), I discovered the ‘Occult’ section of the library and between 7 and 14 when I left home, I read everything I could get my hands on in order to heighten my understanding of a very strange and distorted world, that which was revealed to me by my very strange, scarred and mentally distorted mother. That there was a sixth sense, that Edgar Cayce existed helped me to develop my own answers when I was so puzzled continuously by the contradictions of a woman on pharmaceuticals who was present one minute and irrationally furious the next. I read Tarot from the age of 13 and had some interesting incidents between then and 31, when I began to read a lovely deck called the Motherpeace deck, by Karen Vogel, as a means of providing income. Learning about other's wisdoms about the supernatural world around me kept me sane.

Now I am 54 and I have been coasting on my laurels for quite a few years, as if my shamanic self went dormant. The Tarot cards asked to be kept silent, I lost contact with pagan friends who had shared the seasons of the year with me, and I started a new life in a new city in a new role, that of someone’s wife, and the kids were grown so  I could rest from those years of intense responsibility.

But the other day, I knew that was all changing. Little signs started occurring with more and more frequency as synchronicity and coincidence abounded sometimes hourly, sometimes even more. Then I wandered into a bookstore when I had some time on my hands, waiting for my elderly charge who I take to her appointments now and then. I selected a few books and took them to the cash thinking that it was a second hand store, and these books shouldn’t cost more than $10. When the clerk asked me for $24, I was surprised and said so. I immediately looked at Sonia Johnson’s Wildfire ( I have a copy in storage already, highly recommended) and Laurel K Hamilton’s Cerulean Sins and at the Queen of the Sun and decided upon the fiction, passing the other two back to the clerk. The owner of the store was there and heard my exchange and I explained to the two of them that it was too close to payday and I couldn’t justify spending that much when the owner piped up, ‘Let her have Queen of the Sun too. Give her both of those for the $9’. I was thrilled and smiled, leaving the store with a promise to return with many books, but puzzled as to why he would let me take that very expensive copy of Queen of the Sun. It alone was marked at $14, a generous gesture, I thought.

Little did I know.

When I started reading it and time started to fly, I knew why. The pages were telling me subtexts of subliminal consciousness development as I enjoyed the surface story, a fiction of a man and a sacred relic that he found and had to protect from the Trilateral Commission, a world organization bent on assuming global control and how spirit stepped up to restore the imbalances such a huge, angry, violent megalith could impose upon our world.

One of the designs on the amulet, (besides the one of Isis, Queen of the Sun and forebearer of my own favourite goddess Ishtar) was a six pointed flower and the quote I began this story with, is what one of the protagonist’s teachers taught him. I thought, worthy of my recording for future reference.

Now comes the eery and enlightened part.

I am already trying to follow these  tenets in so many words but never have I had it laid out so well. I struggle constantly with trying not to apply a harsh judgment and criticism of everything I look at but there is a negative element to my thinking that has been able to assume priority and often my first response to any irregularity or dissonance is to respond critically and negatively. By reading and rereading these six points, I have been able to weaken that muscle and to strengthen the positivity muscle, allowing me to stay in the positive, and to stifle that critic. Of the six points, that has been what has been my hurdle to assuming  my role as being resourceress, she who taps into the abundance of the world. I can feel my chakras slowly starting  their revolve and it resonates through my every minute now. It feels as if someone has taken the ties that bind me off and I am lighter in some way. I am feeling a profound sense of interconnectedness with friends, with my remaining family, with people I meet and yesterday was no exception. And then abundance started to increase exponentially. I started getting emails from like minds, met them and were friends immediately. More job offers started coming in, of the ilk that I could even dare to consider. When one seemed sweeter than the rest, I set up an appointment for that initial interview that was requested of me and the next day, drove to the real estate office to meet Tony.

After two years of slogging to find work and coming up empty, I had posted an ad on Craigslist outlining my skills and employment desires/criteria, a couple of months ago. The position was to fill a developing position as marketing assistant for a real estate agent who is making home buying accessible to more people through a ‘better than rent to own’ program that is very compassionate. The man who interviewed me, Tony, and I clicked right away, and it was soon apparent that we were destined to work together. I had the job. I felt an instant kinship with Tony and was happy to shake his hand to finalize the deal. I was employed! The drought was over.

Except the second I shook his hand, I felt a growing sharpness in my chest that started to get tighter and more painful, as if I was having a stroke. I am healthy but this was like heartburn on steroids as we were saying our goodbyes outwardly, but inside I felt this pain increase and increase until I got out of there.  I prayed I wasn’t having a heart attack as he was finishing up his instructions and guidance for my immediate tasks and I didn’t want my feeling unwell detracting from this interview. I mean, what a good impression, you’re hired… now let’s call you an ambulance. I was able to get out without betraying my increasing discomfort, and I drove home via the Victoria General hospital, just in case I needed to turn right at the highway, to Emerg instead of left, towards home. I don’t have heart issues. I haven’t had heartburn since my first pregnancy but the profound experience of tightness in my chest was impossible to ignore and marked Tony and my first handshake/contact with a huge ‘underlining in red’.

I bundled up my laptop and purse, and slipped out to my car where I sat for five minutes waiting for the tightness to subside and was very relieved when it did. I have not been eating much lately as a result of the domino actions of all these changes in my mind/spirit, so it stands to reason that my body was also coping with the changes, affecting my hunger/need for food in a positive way, so I stopped at a local coffee shop, had some eggs and potatoes and felt better instantly.

Then today, a small task had Tony ask me to drop by the office with a smartstick so that he could load a program on it for me. As I sat in the office and we chatted about the different discoveries of our lives, he revealed to me that he was slated for surgery in October. When I asked him what it was, he said that he was slated for a double by-pass! What I had felt on that first physical contact with Tony was HIS heart in arrest, not mine!

What this is, is evidence that my chakras are indeed becoming awake and that my sensitivity to others is heightening as a result.

Clearly, as a shaman, I would be wise to refresh myself on the means necessary to protect myself when encountering others physically, so that there is a wall of white light to defer such violent and consuming symptoms so that I can be aware without suffering the consequences of careless contact.

I hope my tale encourages the reader to review those 6 points and possibly to reread their ‘Celestine Prophecy’, ‘Mutant Message Down Under’ or even this beautiful book which I am going to finish now, ‘Queen of the Sun’. I would love to see all my friends and their loved ones benefiting from the wisdoms that lurk within.

The mysterious bookstore owner will see me again. And this time, I will have the link to this story for him to read. It seems he is a part of the scheme of things relating to enlightenment. I wonder if he knows or he was just following destiny’s instincts.

I do know one thing for sure.

It’s time to awaken our chakras. And I do believe that mine has had a head start from the form of the boost of this book's wise words.

http://www.amazon.ca/Queen-Sun-Revelation-J-Michael/dp/0062513559