Every Little Step I Take: December 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Typing (typoing) badly but pondering nonetheless in this pre-Yule season

Before you do anything, click on this ...
http://www.npr.org/2010/12/13/97778347/jingle-jams-a-holiday-mix-from-npr-music
and set loose a mix of 10 top radio stations 10 top Christmas tunes from one end of the entertainment spectrum to the other that plays an endless loop of awesome tunes, many of which you likely have never heard.

Now on to the blog...

This recent spate of murders of women in New Jersey that came up in the news today comes at a time when I had just seen the movie 'The girl with the dragon tattoo' and although the topic of serial murders is a serious one, and I am aware that every large metropolis at one time or another attracts its own version of 'Kali the Destroyer' in the form of these sick psychopaths, but of course, my brain takes another whole tack on the story and fixates on the female protagonist's awesome haircut. Go figure. Does that make me shallow?

She is very cold and very quick and also very beautiful in a boyish sort of way. The cut makes her look tough and beautifully tousled. Combined with her piercings, she denotes a strength that superheros wish they had. And then she straps on a helmet and rides her motorcycle. (Swoon) Women like that bring out the closet lesbian in me and I'm starting to think that I am attracted to this because this is some aspect of me that I have not realized is a part of me... and if I cut my hair like this, and see that boyish sexy feminine strength looking back at me from my mirror, I will be ritualizing an acceptance of this side of my nature... sort of embracing my inner masculine just like men are being encouraged to embrace their inner feminine nature.

But then, I remember a wise friend who is now the mother-in-law of my daughter, once telling me instead of putting myself through the trials and tribulations just to have something to write about, just skip the middleman and simply write about it as though I'd done it... save myself the grief. Then I shake out my shaggy mane that is now fully grown out and past my shoulders, a big sexy mop that looks great up or down, and turn to my blog to share this with my dear readers. *chuckles* So that's what I just did.

Another pondering.

Why don't churches put up Christmas lights and decorations like everyone else around the neighbourhood?

As the season is upon us, the lighting up of christmas lights becomes a viral neighbourhood change from the perspective of my eagle aerie home on the 4th floor. The Armed Forces base here in the harbour has a contest every year and raises thousands by putting on tours for civilians. People come and learn about the base, enjoy the lights, donate food and also vote for their favourite light installation. My hubby is down there in the Dockyard and the building his office is in is whimsically decorated with sledding hills and a Santa in a tank and assorted other xmas frippery as is every other building. But there at the gates of the base sits the pretty little white church that Ron attends, St.Paul's... not a light in the place. Dead windows watching thousands of cars pass by to and from the base, every day.

I am not a parishioner as Ron is and I believe that to keep our relationship from getting completely caught up in the drama of the church because of his heavy involvement in the running of it, its best I give it a wide berth, but I pay attention and help here and there from behind the scenes. Because of this, I hear about all the dramas and foibles of running a church at a time when the papal economy is not just bad but being mishandled by a botched bunch of interesting egos. When the congregation is constantly verbally diminished and abused by neglect at a time when the church needs to attract more bodies, not repell them, here is a golden opportunity for a church that spent the better part of $100,000 on a stained glass window just months before it started threatening to be closed for good, to attract some attention of the positive kind for themselves and give people a reason to put their bums in those pews.

The beautiful seasonal lights that go on for kilometers, just a block away and all the private homes in the area that have also contributed to the display for the holidays could be joined by a church lit up with a few tasteful strands from the belltower to say 'Look at how we celebrate the birth of the Saviour!' ... there is a beautiful garden and a creche could be erected, lighting tastefully on the scene of the manger. Perhaps do something in the parking lot that invites participants of the tour bus adventure to stop in and partake, carolling or something. But no. Instead, the little church sits dead in the dark, a shadow on the edge of all that colour and dazzle. What is wrong with this picture?

Another pondering...

My boy cat, Ciao recently had a bout of dealing with uric crystals in his urine irritating his urethra to the point of my having to take him to the vet. The billing of this incidence is another story... ($887!!! for one night and no surgery!!) but in the course of his treatment they gave him a little snack pocket that I was shown how to break these little pain pills in half and tuck inside to give the cat. I asked my vet for some painkillers for my cats of the over the counter variety, like the aspirins/tylenol/acetominophen that is available for humans and there isn't anything like that out there.

Why not? He had no answer and told me painkillers for cats are only available by prescription.

I think thats just a scam to support the veterinarian economy.

On the topic of cats, have you ever heard of 'barnyard medicine'? Facebook friend Savannah's mom Chrissy showed me how to tend to cat's various ailments a few years ago and thats what she called it. She fed her cats an inch of moldy bread when they had a need for penicillin, and she cleared the abcesses cats get from their fights under a faucet with practiced hands explaining that a farm with barn cats can't afford to take the cats to the vet for every little affliction and that she had to learn how to recognize what needed to be done, herself. Another strong woman... When I asked him about 'Barnyard Medicine', the vet had never heard of such a thing.

Ciao is fine now. I learned that male cat urethras are the length of a pencil lead's width and that its very easy for stuff to get up there and to prohibit this collecting of crystals that can potentially lead to complete blockage there are a couple of things one can do besides just keeping fresh water on hand. One is feed the cat wet food that you have stirred a couple of tablespoons of water into, another is use the vet recommended food that specifically addresses getting boycats who need to drink more water to seek it out, by being very salty. Lastly, look at the ingredients on the packaging for the ash content of dry cat food. The cheaper brands are like junk food, my vet says. I will have to look up his name to give him a total high five here... he's as awesome with animals as I wish I could find a Dr. for humans to treat me... lol

One last ponderance as the phone startles me, ringing this early in the morning. Its only 8:15 and I am jarred out of my serenity by the insistent ringing. We have taken our voice mail off and have call display so I can see that the phone number is not a local area code, plus, its a number I don't recognize and an unknown caller is what the display reads as.

With my technology at my fingertips, I put the phone number into my google search field twice yesterday and one of the numbers that kept calling was the Canada Conservative Party and the other was a phishing marketing company from China.... Go figure. Googling those phone numbers you don't recognize is brilliant and really helps keep us from having to deal with telemarketers who want to sell us crap we don't want or need all while rudely intruding in our serenity.

I was joking with a facebook friend yesterday about Ron being Anglican contrasted by my being shamanic and the mention of Jesus came up when she said that the most sacred place for her was in nature. I shared that being in nature is where I felt closest to the Divine Feminine, and that we all came to the spiritual fount of inspiration at the same place, just by different means and ways... I said that how we got there doesn't matter as much as that we wound up at the same conclusion... I called it 'All roads lead to roam' I think that's a great title for Ron and my combined autobiography...

:)

Every little step.
That's today's ponderance.

fine print: My little netbook is still compromised and that forces me to do my internet bidding on the tiny lime slice so I am likely making a mess of the typoing of this, but oh well. We all get over it.

Hey, if I make you think... leave a comment!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The NEW, the NOW me.

The following blog entry contains the usual mishmash of unrelated photography that I have captured a 'now' and 'then' moment as well as my evolutionary ponderings. As I sit by the crackling of the fireplace/tv (Channel 165 this year), come join me as we venture into the 'NOW'.

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. In the past two years, I left a 6 year educational process and a 20 year child rearing journey behind. In the midst of this, I loved people, and my path has led me to places that they couldn't abide with, and I've lost people. It's been a hard lesson, being abandoned repeatedly by the very people I had in my life, not to replace the family I never had, but it was an impromptu collection who looked out for my brood as we looked out for them as a sort of a family until one day they decided, one by one, to cut me loose.

Looking back and trying to take ownership as the cause for all the alienation is akin to assigning blame. Where does one start when the negativity that is generated starts self perpetuating. I find myself morose and surrounded by obstacles every time I try to go there.

Recently, I've been dealt a friendship blow by another dear friend who has decided that my brand of negativity and my abusive relationship ( sigh ) are too much for her at this delicate time in her life. I wish her the best and bear no resentment, but it leaves me wondering, what the hell is in this life for me that this kind of brick keeps nailing me over the head again and again?

Out of this, I am realizing that I am changing, I no longer identify as many things I used to and that's left a void in me, what do I identify as? Who am I? Who am I now?

Lights up in time for the Light Up Parade

And that's the rub, right there. This now business. It's all that really matters. Its all we can control, the now... we can try to plan but life is what happens when we do, so now is a very zen and grounding concept for me these days. Get me from this lily pad to the next and let me have the faith to know with confidence that the universe finds me worthy of there being another something to step onto when I swing my weight forward.

Made a jolly altar out of a few things and a photo of my handsome love a few years back.

Ron and I have a lot going on these days, and I pray every day for the strength, patience and courage needed to help him as much as he helps me. I identify as his partner, so thank Goddess that there is that stability and support.

Yule altar to time and the sacred word

I identify as the mature mother of adult children. I'm a 50-something woman with a BA degree in 2010 who is having a difficult time finding a way of making a living and who keeps honing her manifesting skills to connect her with that ideal position. (The equivalent or better.) Multi talented, I'm a jack of all trades yet Mistress of none. At 54, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up, and then, in the meantime, I am aging, I have mobility issues as arthritis starts to become a part of daily life, so that makes me a fragile person physically.

symettry so easy to see, so hard to understand

My identity is no longer connected to running a global women's collective as I had in the 80's and 90's, and I'm toying with the idea of just picking up my sewing machines and identifying as a woman of cloth for a while...

Random Festivus Shot

If no one wants to hire me, perhaps I just have to hire myself? Maybe that's what my destiny is waiting for?

This reminds me of how the house was decorated when I was a little girl in Germany.

These and many other questions will be undoubtedly be answered in the coming days as I persevere in my efforts to being at the right place at the right time. I anticipate that I will get to fall into the perfect opportunity at any moment, so I remain prepared to be spontaneous. (And checking Craigslist's Part Time jobs section)

Speaking of now, this is Ciao, our boy cat who is in the pet hospital overnight tonite, so whoever reads this, send him some healing love. He has his orange pompom and the doc called at dinner to say that so far, the prognosis is good, and if he is passing crystal-less water in the morning, he comes home . Ciao can even say the word 'now', which he does often, having spied the sack of treats.

That means 'being in the moment'. That means being in the Now. The now me. I don't really know who this woman is anymore who stands here looking ahead, through these eyes of mine. She's got a new retinue of friends and associates, she's got adult children, she's got an amazingly supportive partner. She's even got a new name, having changed from Chris to the last half of Christina...

Two years of 'now' have passed since I became Tina. Two years since I broke down a 3 bedroom home and watched as the world came by my alley and took my possessions away. Its a long story, but it was a dramatic shift to go from a three bedroom home full of teens to a one bedroom with no children. My degree wrapped up, my kids lives took them elsewhere, perched on the edge of adulthood and I learned about the now.

So hello, my new life, my new friends. How refreshing to learn your stories as I share mine.

I want to learn about the 'thenyou' and the nowyou too.

This is the 'now' me. New and improved.

What now?

Bonus Content Below

For those of you who are loyal viewers and who actually read all the way down to here, here is a funny little vid I took as the lights were done being hung and the storm started to kick in full gear. Woohoo... BONUS content!!!