The NEW, the NOW me.

The following blog entry contains the usual mishmash of unrelated photography that I have captured a 'now' and 'then' moment as well as my evolutionary ponderings. As I sit by the crackling of the fireplace/tv (Channel 165 this year), come join me as we venture into the 'NOW'.

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. In the past two years, I left a 6 year educational process and a 20 year child rearing journey behind. In the midst of this, I loved people, and my path has led me to places that they couldn't abide with, and I've lost people. It's been a hard lesson, being abandoned repeatedly by the very people I had in my life, not  to replace the family I never had, but it was an impromptu collection  who looked out for my brood as we looked out for them as a sort of a family until one day they decided, one by one, to cut me loose.

Looking back and trying to take ownership as the cause for all the alienation is akin to assigning blame. Where does one start when the negativity that is generated starts self perpetuating. I find myself morose and surrounded by obstacles every time I try to go there.





Recently, I've been dealt a friendship blow by another dear friend who has decided that my brand of negativity and my abusive relationship ( sigh ) are too much for her at this delicate time in her life. I wish her the best and bear no resentment, but it leaves me wondering, what the hell is in this life for me that this kind of brick keeps nailing me over the head again and again?

Out of this, I am realizing that I am changing, I no longer identify as many things I used to and that's left a void in me, what do I identify as? Who am I? Who am I now?




Lights up in time for the Light Up Parade


And that's the rub, right there. This now business. It's all that really matters. Its all we can control, the now... we can try to plan but life is what happens when we do, so now is a very zen and grounding concept for me these days. Get me from this lily pad to the next and let me have the faith to know with confidence that the universe finds me worthy of there being another something to step onto when I swing my weight forward.





Made a jolly altar out of a few things and a photo of my handsome love a few years back.



Ron and I have a lot going on these days, and I pray every day for the strength, patience and courage needed to help him as much as he helps me. I identify as his partner, so thank Goddess that there is that stability and support.

Yule altar to time and the sacred word

I identify as the mature mother of adult children. I'm a 50-something woman with a BA degree in 2010 who is having a difficult time finding a way of making a living and who keeps honing her manifesting skills to connect her with that ideal position. (The equivalent or better.) Multi talented, I'm a jack of all trades yet Mistress of none. At 54, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up, and then, in the meantime, I am aging, I have mobility issues as arthritis starts to become a part of daily life, so that makes me a fragile person physically.

symettry so easy to see, so hard to understand

My identity is no longer connected to running a global women's collective as I had in the 80's and 90's, and I'm toying with the idea of just picking up my sewing machines and identifying as a woman of cloth for a while...

Random Festivus Shot

If no one wants to hire me, perhaps I just have to hire myself? Maybe that's what my destiny is waiting for?

This reminds me of how the house was decorated when I was a little girl in Germany.

These and many other questions will be undoubtedly be answered in the coming days as I persevere in my efforts to being at the right place at the right time. I anticipate that I will get to fall into the perfect opportunity at any moment, so I remain prepared to be spontaneous. (And checking Craigslist's Part Time jobs section)

Speaking of now, this is Ciao, our boy cat who is in the pet hospital overnight tonite, so whoever reads this, send him some healing love. He has his orange pompom and the doc called at dinner to say that so far, the prognosis is good, and if he is passing crystal-less water in the morning, he comes home . Ciao can even say the word 'now', which he does often, having spied the sack of treats.

That means 'being in the moment'. That means being in the Now. The now me. I don't really know who this woman is anymore who stands here looking ahead, through these eyes of mine. She's got a new retinue of friends and associates, she's got adult children, she's got an amazingly supportive partner. She's even got a new name, having changed from Chris to the last half of Christina...

Two years of 'now' have passed since I became Tina. Two years since I broke down a 3 bedroom home and watched as the world came by my alley and took my possessions away. Its a long story, but it was a dramatic shift to go from a three bedroom home full of teens to a one bedroom with no children. My degree wrapped up, my kids lives took them elsewhere, perched on the edge of adulthood and I learned about the now.

So hello, my new life, my new friends. How refreshing to learn your stories as I share mine.

I want to learn about the 'thenyou' and the nowyou too.

This is the 'now' me. New and improved.

What now?

Bonus Content Below

For those of you who are loyal viewers and who actually read all the way down to here, here is a funny little vid I took as the lights were done being hung and the storm started to kick in full gear. Woohoo... BONUS content!!!