This is an odd time for me. Very retrospective and no rose coloured glasses allowed. Instead of my usual sunny, make lemonade, make it work self, I've spent the better part of some very solitary days doing some very serious soul searching. Is everyone humbling and responding to the events across the Pacific in other profound ways or am I just the only one noticing that I have a lot of work to do when it comes to my personal evolution as a person.
For some reason, I have dwelled for the past few days on the true worth I represent to myself and others, my core beliefs, and my favourite, 'why I end things badly'.
That leads me to ponder the various things that ended and how I was responsible for it somehow, and what I need to do to rectify the situation. Soul searching, I tell you. Even though the air is clean, the trees have pink blossoms bursting forth and there is enough to eat, I can't seem to be satisfied with what I usually believe is truly important, and some niggling little part of my snaky little brain keeps pulling up this dust bunny of my existence, picking off the crusties and waving it in front of me until I give in and follow the bait by allowing myself to rehash what happened that led to things ended.
I know, upon articling upon the ponder here, that I don't always end things badly by accident but sometimes I end things badly on purpose, and sometimes, things just peter out and I don't pick up the gauntlet to stay in touch, but it doesn't mean that I am not an inherently good person who 100% means well. Is anyone ever out to end things badly? Isn't it difficult to not say harsh things in times of frustration and fear when grace evades us? Do we cast each other out of our lives for single, minor things out of some sense of dignity or finality? Isn't all or nothing thinking a sign that we are out of sync?
Soul searching. The endings with my two closest friends broke a trust that I have not been able to recover from and lead me to more than a little doubt about anything I used to hold sacred as being with me forever. It was a huge lesson. I am fragiler because of it. Why they both chose to do it, and then the coincidence of them choosing the same week, separate from and unbeknownst to the other, to cut all ties with me, the week of my birthday at that, made it even deeper an incision that keeps opening whenever I feel threatened. And lately, I've felt threatened a lot with the things my partner and I have been going through in our relationship. I feel like I have to leave just to prove my worth since I'm not able to fulfill the agenda of the right wing parties involved in the relationship. In feeling like I must leave, I feel at sea, like those orphan feelings I had at 15 when I was on the streets looking up at the bedroom lights of cozy homes flicking off and me out in the cold, rainy night without a single soul.
Soul searching as the moon's piercing gaze penetrates me to my core with its reflective glimmers that leave moonbeams trickling along my spine from the intensity of the consequences of what rehashing, refearing, re-experiencing all those trying times has done to unseat me, unground me.
Ungrounded times are not good times for endings, even though, there is a saying that there is never a good time. This could be the metamorphosis of something new, shinier, more resilient and with greater gifts emerging.
So... this little niggling snaky bit of brain scurries down into its depths again to return with another bleeding and squirming, hairy little repulsive chunk of memory that wants to help convince me I'm worthless.
Thank heavens that I haven't lost my mind and know that that people change, I'm not responsible for the changes of others, and what's more, I'm not responsible for the conclusions of others.
So, sometimes I end things badly. So what.
But this Super Moon tomorrow night... is it having its way with me? Perigee means closest to the earth. It doesn't happen often and full moons are pretty influential without being so close that your internal liquids experience high tides in the form of this snaky little brain thingy... I hope that leaves with the SuperMoon tomorrow night. I want my sunshiny creativity back and I haven't seen hide nor hair of it since the arrival of 'Skuttlekins'
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