Well, shift has happened again.
As I suspected it would because people either evolve with me or they are left behind. I have to say that this was the most rewarding ride with a mate-like partner that I've ever had, but now it is looking like I have to part company with this man who has become such a big part of my life. I am hoping that we can stay in close contact, that we can 'date', but I am about to move out into the world on my own, completely and utterly on my own, for the first time in my adulthood that I can remember. Big changes. (insert rampant hours of wailing, crying, gnashing of teeth in fits that come and go without ability to control them.)
I am a financial drain connected to my ailing with various issues related to my fall on the treadmill last year. In hindsight, my protecting the gym and leaving without reporting the incident, was not the best avenue of approach. I lost valuable time healing that I could have been spending putting to better use, ie, working or seeking better employment than my job at CEDRIC which rarely paid me a living wage, her hours were so irregular. I fell at the gym on the day that the Olympics had their big opening ceremony and the room was empty except for Avona and I and I picked myself up off the floor and hurried home before the swelling hit, not wanting to embarass myself. Now I realize, I could have had a claim that would have allowed me some much needed compensation for the duration of my healing and I wouldn't be in the lurch I am in now, but oh well. Its like shutting the barn door after the cow's gone. Silly me.
Money is the root cause of our difficulty. I have run this home, set it up to run smoothly, have been on top of most of the duties that keep things going. Good meals, clean clothes, a cozy place to lay your head, to have fun in, to feel at home in. All my partner has had to do was come home and put his feet up. Because he's footed the bill, I figured that was my way of pulling my weight while I was trying to find more and better work which never seemed to materialize. We never discussed finances, I had none to discuss and as a logistics man in charge of things inventoryish on the base, I had faith that he would be applying those skills to his own domestic finances as well.
This weekend, with him in Ontario for two weeks and me here, I opened my facebook, to see a private message from him and when I clicked on it, instead of the usual short version of what he was up to and words of love and care, there was one paragraph. He was upset by how fast the money in the bank account had been spent in his absence obviously. I read his cruel and angry words and just about passed out by the bolt of lightning that hit me. I hit a ptsd response like I haven't felt in years. I shook, I cried, I felt my heart race for the next four hours straight. I reached out to friends who came to my help and talked me down off a panic like I've never felt before or can remember in my adult life. There was no room for misunderstanding. My deepest fears of being abandoned were realized. After losing my family over the past years, after several of my closest friends found fault with me and disengaged, now my lifepartner was also bowing out.
The hurt little abandoned girl in me could only feel that 'This was IT' and I was being turfed to the curb in less than a week. My instant response was to worry about his feelings, knowing that his mother's decline, his toxic job, church, and own health issues were causing him to have horrible quality of life and I knew that he was pushing me away because it was the only thing left he knew to do that would render change upon his life. I knew that I'd been the only thing that represented a light in his life and now he was disregarding the worth of that to send me packing.
I have had deep and long conversations with my friends and sisters over the subsequent days that have passed and I'm finally not in the 'freakout' I was in for the first miserable day. I still burst into tears at a moment's notice but it is happening less and for shorter durations. I went for a haircut to make myself feel more 'employable' when I got back from seeing what was happening at the job reentry place for seniors, and the hairdresser suggested a little light makeup would make me spruce up a bit. I told her it was dangerous for me to wear makeup as my life was in such 'Alice down the rabbit-hole craziness' that I wound up with it on my cheeks within the hour. Until I found some equilibrium and my own feet under me, makeup just wasn't an option.
So now I have an ad in the barter section of Craigslist, looking for a compassionate person willing to lead me to someplace new for me to call home. I am hoping that perhaps its possible for my guy and I to 'date' (because I love his sorry ass). I have to admit that this has been an episode of enlightenment and healing, these past almost three years, but that the page is turning and if we stay 'a couple' there will be even less holding it together than there was before, because there will be noone at his place anticipating his arrival, his needs or requirements. Our two beautiful cats, Ciao and Bella?
Maybe I will come 'visit'. Maybe I will be hired by him to cook him a few meals a week, to come a couple of times a week and do his cleaning and laundry. Maybe that's all he needs. Part of me screams at me for being a pussy to even allow myself to feel that. What coopted part of me can't get it that I am not 'NOTHING' without a man? Why do I feel I am worthless if I have no one to care for but myself?
I was asked by friends if I love him and of course I do. Why was I here if I didn't? The Mazerati and the weekends in the south of France? I've been stuck in a tiny little box here with no end in sight for the past almost three years. I think the question should be 'Does HE love me? Because I believe that anyone who can turn their heart on and off like a light switch is not understanding what it is to have heart chakras engage at a deep and sacred level. I tend to think that if a person has no respite from their problems, no coping mechanisms, no faith, no hobbies, no distracting interests, then they also have no capacity to feel healthy love for others, much less themselves. Maybe, I feel like all this time I had myself dazzled that this sow's ear was actually the silk purse of my dreams and now, I've had a woodpecker come along and crack my illusion, revealling the real.
And what do I need? I need autonomy, to be recognized for my skills, education and life experience and put to work in some fulfilling arena of life where I am compensated for my time appropriately. The equivalent or better. I need to find allies in the community who are involved in things that matter to me like women's education around their bodies and environment, like food security for the region. I want my work tables out of storage and set up in a studio in my own home so I can generate my own income, so I can make products and items that are valued by the type of people I want to surround myself with. I want to be happy with my friends and animals and have a comfortable, stable home where my kids who are grown and busy with their own lives, can come and visit often. I want to be appreciated. I want to be valued. I want to be loved unconditionally.
The nugget I take away from my life here is that I can be stable, but next time it will be on my own terms, relying on my own responsibility.
I am so grateful for those friends who stepped up, saw my predicament and have put their hands on my heart and held me together while I am in pieces. Thank you to the flicker who came the morning of the initial terror response and hammered on the ceiling of our balcony after showing me her red underfeathers, giving me a spirit medicine insight that this was the cracking open of my hardened resolve to make something work that wasn't. It let me know that my Goddess was holding me in the palm of her hand through the scary times and to just keep a level head. I could see that there were energies afoot that were moving my life along behind the scenes and that I was to trust, to go with the flow and try to maintain some grace and dignity while it happens. I am eternally grateful for those of you who reached out to help me. I WILL be my authentic self, and I WILL mend my heart.
Wish me love. Wish me a quick transition into my own life. Wish me a smooth sail without being diminished and denigrated by those who have claimed to love me the most. Wish the man in this dynamic event a peaceful transition period where calm heads prevail.
I am putting this out to the universe not to belittle the situation, but to process what is going on so that by journalling my way through it will help me understand what is happening to me, to my family, to us.
Monday after work, perhaps we will finally have time and calm seas enough to find a way to have dialogue about how life has changed for us over these last two weeks.
Luck is opportunity meeting preparation. I just hope I am prepared. The equivalent or better. I'm giving it a try.
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